Junk Drawer
Nov 18, 2023
Haven't done one of these in a while…
Confession time: I know this is silly. I know it. I've known it for as long as I've been doing it, and I definitely know it now. Still.
I have, for as long as I've been putting Christmas lights on my house, tried to wait until a day you weren't home to hang them. I don't even really know why.
(And in case you're wondering just how manageable my crush on you was back when I considered it “manageable”… Or for how long it's existed… The earliest photo I found of my house lit up was from 2013…)
So, of course you got home today when I was half done, lol. Oh, well. You looked busy. If I were you, I would have stolen a few glances but probably not looked too closely (though, for the record, not that you need it, but I hereby grant you permission to look all you want, any time you want, from whatever vantage point you want). I'm certain it truly doesn't matter anyways. Just… on the pile of things I'm self-conscious about for no good reason. Is that a part of being an INFP, or is that just me? 🤷♂️
Speaking of things I'm self-conscious about…
I don't know why sometimes when I share things about my sexuality here, I'm fine with it, then other times I do so and suddenly want to go into hiding. You are the one person in this world that I most want to share those things with. I want you to know how sexy I find you, how you turn me on just by existing. I want you to know the things I'd like to do with you. I want you to know my kinks, whether you share them or not. And I'm desperate to know all of those things about you. And it's not like I don't have ample enough reason to believe that sex is a component of your love for me, just as it is in my love for you.
You've stared at me like a starving woman stumbling upon a feast, too, after all.
I suppose maybe part of it is that talking about it is new to me. I'd never, ever written that sort of thing before I started writing them for you (nor the love letters, for that matter… you inspire me, ⭐️, in so very many ways…). Talking about my sexuality has not been encouraged in my life. In truth, nobody's taken very much interest in it at all in a long time.
🤷♂️
I sense you wouldn't mind too much. We've never talked about sex directly, not yet. I'm sure you know that I would love to change that at some point soon, but… Well. I sense you don't mind, I just can't know for sure, and I guess sometimes that leaves room for the self-doubt to start creeping in.
…not enough to keep me from writing about it, apparently. Just. I'll go run and hide for a few days, longing to see you while wondering how I could possibly face you next, lol. Little lust grenades (pretend) tossed your way while I duck and cover, fingers stuck in my ears.
(I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader to decide if there are other places I would prefer to be sticking them… ahem)
Well. I can guarantee you I'll be significantly less shy (lol) about it when it's real. When we can talk about it in person, and explore each other for real, not just in fantasies and dreams. Don't worry that beautiful head of yours about that, my love. And in the meantime, even if I do go run and hide for a bit, I do hope you enjoy those posts.
I mean, let's be honest, I hope you enjoy them very much. Perhaps even save them away somewhere for… future enjoyment. Ahem.
And speaking of kinks… I realized some time ago that I have a “being paid attention to by you” kink. I know this isn't healthy, or likely a good idea to say, but… you could not possibly pay too much attention to me. There is literally no limit. None. The more you pay attention to me, the more turned on I get. You are welcome to pay as much attention to me as you please. You have my permission. And if you want to turn me on? Drop some bit of knowledge about me that you probably shouldn't know. Good lord, even you just pretending that you had made a lucky guess at my age that one time…
I hope all my “miss you”'s last night didn't come off as too needy… it's just… it's true. I miss you, so damned much. So much it hurts. But it's not like there's been much to do about that… it sure seems like you've been extremely busy of late… and I definitely have been… Plus I suspect you've been given just as much reason to be wary of being too open about inviting me to things as I have about inviting you to things since that last concert. Not that there's been much to invite each other to… And now the holidays are coming up…
It's going to be a difficult fall, my love. Knowing now, as I do, that you want to spend time with me… that just makes it harder, not easier… the thought that maybe you're longing for time spent together as much as I am? And that the reasons we can't are so… so…
They feel so trivial compared to the love I have in my heart for you, and yet I know they aren't. “It's complicated.” Cliché, but it's also true.
So… I guess I'll keep keeping my eyes out for potential ways to spend time with you. Keep looking for excuses, any excuse at all… Keep hoping to cross paths on walks. Keep writing to you. Keep trying to find ways to give you pieces of me. Just… keep trying to find anything and everything to get through these cold, dark months. Before we can go camping together again. Let's… Let's not wait until the one that's already planned. We can do two trips again next season, can't we? Two trips a season sounds good to me. More. Every weekend. Just you and me…
Yeah, that's the dream, anyways.
sigh
⭐️, I love you and I miss you and I cannot fucking wait until the next time I get to spend time with you. That's all I ever want to do anymore, just spend time with you. Doing… whatever. Anything. I don't care. I just want to be near you, hear your voice. Just have the chance to look into those eyes again…
sigh
I've got Your Song on the playlist right now, and I've been thinking about the part where he seems he's forgotten “if they're green, or they're blue…” and I was thinking about how silly that is, how could someone possibly forget?
But then I remembered… I had no idea what color your eyes were for the longest time. I wanted to. But, it doesn't come through in most photos… and we didn't used to see each other much at all, not closely enough to tell. I'm pretty sure some of those earliest instances of prolonged eye contact with you, I started looking with the intent of figuring it out… but then got so busy losing myself in them that I forgot to notice…
So… maybe the song isn't that silly, after all.
Anyways… then there was an evening we were walking together, and we stopped for a last few moments in front of your house, and for whatever reason we were talking about Zombieland, except none of us could remember what it was called. And the setting sun suddenly hit your eyes just so…………
And I was already blown away by you. You were already the most stunning creature I had ever laid my eyes upon. I already thought you were the most beautiful woman to exist within the entire history of the universe, past and future.
But then the sun hit your eyes just so…………
My god.
Stunned. I just remember being stunned, absolutely stunned, and just doing my best to hide it. And I just wanted to stand there and just stare and stare and stare into them…
God.
Perfect. Literally perfect.
I truly cannot imagine there being any possible way that your eyes could be more beautiful. That you could be more beautiful. I just don't think it's possible. I'm not even 100% sure you aren't already bending some kind of universal laws with your beauty.
You're so fucking pretty, ⭐️. It's insane how pretty you are. What are you even doing on this plane of existence?
And how on God's green earth did I ever manage to catch those ridiculously perfect eyes?
sigh
I hope you have the most wonderful of afternoons, my love, followed by the most perfect of evenings. I love you.
Yours,
♒️